The Beginning…..

At my first day of the new year 2014, in my dark room and the rythm of the pouring rain outside my window, it seems so lazy for the clock to tick from minute to minute, dark grey sky seen from my glass window. I never realized that i’ve been walking this far in this life, when i am trying to look back at the past its already tons of things out there, both good and bad, hard and easy, warm and cold. All i can feel right now is how this life already created a metamorphosis to myself, formed my whole character of being a human in this world. Time keep going on, sometimes we feel it so slow, sometimes we feel it so fast. At the moment when we feel we have already reached a point sometimes we find it too far, and sometimes we feel we have to do more. However, in the beginning of a point in life, in simple word we can say a new year, we will open a new empty page of life journey, with many plans and important things to do. Wherever we are, we will always pick our past as a reference or a big library of experiences, to start something better in the next step of our long journey. When we believe to ourselves that we can change bad things into good things, even good things to better things, we will always feel ‘protected’ by the spirit of doing those changes to make a better ‘look’ to our life performance. There are times we think that something so big in the future seems impossible to reach, and then make us so pesimistic to our self capability of doing such kind of things. Regarding to those situations, sometimes we need another additional supplement called ‘positive thinking’ which can lead us to find our paths towards the future, so those annoying situations will not lead us to the dark hole of desperation. Maybe its not so easy to build a complete self confidence to ourselves facing all the unfavorable conditions, but we have to see what we have to struggle until our maximum capabilities, by understanding completely of our strength and weakness. God created human being in very unique ways, with the ability to adjust with certain kind of conditions and situations, with capability of making decisions, and with the power to create and manage things. So, whoever we are, in the beginning of the year, we can have our dreams, and then make good plans and strategies to realize, to make ourselves better in the future. Happy New Year 2014, You’ll Never Walk Alone…

Kuikuti….

     Kehidupan layaknya sebuah jalan panjang menuju akhir yang kita tak pernah tahu, melalui jalan-jalan mulus terkadang terjal berjurang dan berkerikil tajam, basah berlumpur atau gelap berdebu. Bagaimanapun jalan itu, tetaplah harus kita lewati sembari menimba pengalaman dan pengetahuan yang tersimpan pada makna-makna kabur didalamnya. Apapun itu adalah rentang waktu yang harus kita capai atau menggeser perlahan diri kita terhadap sebuah tujuan, dan membuatnya sebagai kronologi panjang untuk panduan dan referensi kita pada masa yang akan datang. Terkadang membuat diri kita merasa sangat kecil dan rendah diri untuk menatapnya, terkadang menciptakan kesombongan yang mengharuskan kita mengangkat kepala tinggi-tinggi tanpa peduli sekitarnya. Tawa gembira sudah terlampaui, sedih dan nestapa pernah terlewati, pujian pernah menghampiri dan cacian telah pula mendominasi. Adalah seorang manusia yang sama sekali tercipta tidak sempurna untuk semua itu, begitu rapuh untuk menjalaninya sendiri.

     Waktu beranjak seolah meninggalkan dengan berjuta memori indah tertancap di angan-angan seolah tak mau terlepas. Membuai pola berpikir sehat dengan mimpi-mimpi semu tentang dunia dan isinya. Melumasi khayalan dengan sentuhan-sentuhan magis panca indera akan sesuatu yang begitu indah dan sempurna untuk sebuah tujuan. Mencengkeram kisi-kisi sosial dengan ego-ego pribadi yang tak terbantahkan. Membenamkan logika berpikir sehat dengan ayat-ayat semu benih dari reaksi emosional.

     Apa yang telah kita lakukan ? atau apa yang akan kita lakukan ? Berdiam diri dan melihat semuanya berjalan apa adanya, tanpa memberikan rambu-rambu yang pasti untuk sebuah tujuan mulia ? ataukah Bertindak aktif seolah mejadi pahlawan yang selalu memberikan solusi-solusi tepat layaknya seorang motivator ? Memang kita tidak pernah menjadi sempurna untuk berpikir logis dari berbagai perspektif. Manusia diciptakan dengan ketidaksempurnaan dan kesempurnaannya sendiri. Tuhan tidak akan menunjukkan jalan perubahan kecuali manusia memulai dari dirinya sendiri.

     Bertahun-tahun aku mengikuti, berbulan-bulan aku menagamati, sesuatu yang indah terbangun dari sebuah kebersamaan. sebuah toleransi dan sebuah janji tak tertulis untuk menciptakan lingkungan yang mudah diterima untuk berbagai level dan cara berpikir maupun bertindak. Seperti sebuah impian yang memang sulit tercapai, begitu susah terwujud dengan begitu banyak kepentingan yang memang mempunyai tujuan maing-masing. Badai memang tak hanya datang sekali, kehidupan adalah lautan yang terlalu luas untuk dimengerti hanya oleh seorang individu.

     Akan kuikuti angin, kubelah badai, meskipun aku harus hancur di dalamnya atau terseret deras dan terpental ke negeri antah berantah, tetapi tidak demikian dengan tujuan muliaku…….

 

Tell Me How to Understand Me………..

     In a day when the pouring rain spreads and makes the earth wet, i see myself sitting down on my bed, thinking so hard about so many things, finding so many reasons why, exploring deep down inside my brain, and digging out deep in my heart about all the meanings of some sides of a life. What has built me to be a person right now is some sides of a life itself. When i am in the situation where all the life experiences can be used as a reference, sometimes i cannot find anything there, just myself who feels so confused to find the answers. A feeling of needing, loving and caring sometimes don’t help too much in the proper condition or is it really not enough to use against the pressure of life. At the time, when i am struggling to fight against myself, my feelings, my ways of loving is another side of the story of life. Of course, a feeling of love will not be easily represented as a feeling itself for others to understand, or sometimes some actions also mislead to wrong ways of interpretation. However, the feeling of love i have inside is really true, at least that’s the way to believe myself, or i need to learn more about representing and translating this feeling into such an action. Everybody was born with the different kind of touch which is representing the way of showing love, care and respect. I was born with that kind of touch, where i can express myself to love, care and appreciate someone with all that i have, all that i need to do. But sometimes its really not enough to represent those expression to someone. Some refers to the differences of the characteristics and personalities, and some refers to the habits and cultures or many other factors.

     When i see myself, trying to all the things, trying to fix what i have done wrong, trying to change myself into the respectable personality, its like too many failures i have made. The feelings of love from me sometimes face the show of realities, when all the failures are like being played in the big screen, exposing my evil sides, the sides that i really drop myself into a deep river of  irresponsible things. I know it will always follow me all the ways in my journey of life. All that things always creates mess up inside my mind, creates so deep confusions, and blocks my brain to think clearly, and covers up my heart to feel the reality. Or maybe i am really being an evil to run this life without any chances to get better, i also don’t know. Life designed to look different and creates many interpretations within lots of perspectives. There are so many times, i don’t feel that i am doing something that will hurt someone, but the reality shows different way. I believe, everyone will do best things to prepare for something, either its for their love or their life. The only question is ‘Are they doing enough ??’.

     Something that we have done for love and life sometimes are not enough to represent who we are, because too many perspectives have been formed against what we have done. when someone looks at our bad perspectives, all that can be seen is evil and evil, and at the same time we will be put in the perspectives as the evil ones, even we have really strong determinations and will to be better. I never blame people or someone to look myself that way. I only want them to understand that i want to change and i want to be better in love and life. At the same time, jealousy that I have created will be used as the reference to force me down, to give me a big and hard pressure without any moments to explain why. I never want someone to understand me completely with the details, but what i have done is the spirit of me to change, to learn and to create better personality. In fact, nobody will see what i have inside my heart, nobody will understand and nobody will care, and maybe nobody will help me. When love, that supported with respect, appreciation and positive understandings are not enough, so let people or someone sees me that way, and maybe thats the only way for them to see the differences between good and evil. And maybe that’s the only way for me to defend myself of what i have made for changes, maybe i will defend it until i die and burry myself with tons of bad things, tons of jealousy and tons of untrusted matters and words.

     So far away there, in a distance, where the thousands of stars sleep, when the numbers of galaxies go round and when the sun reaches its dark side, I still have hopes and dreams, and keep cover up my beliefs, God never sleep, and is the only one that i can talk about how and what i feel inside my heart, even sometimes God is like not listening to me. The only thing left on me, is the faith, and the dreams and the hopes which i only can tell God, because human being seems too hard to understand why, because they have seen my evil sides without giving me any comforts and helps. Maybe i am a stupid guy to do things that loved by someone, but i hope God will understand me, that’s the way i express myself, kneel down and talk to God as God is only several centimeters from me. God, lead me to a good love and life……

I Really Dont Know Me…..

When the life is passing by as the old days, creeping around through night and days, everything seems alright as i have seen before. I’m trying to walk these feet, following the roads, watching things around without any doubts of what will i face in the incoming phase. Now i am heading towards the green roads, full of trees, lights and so bright as the blessings of God. The confidence is still here inside myself that i will not create any troubles in my journey. In the day of lights where the trees are blinking in every part of the roads, i want to put something to make it brighter to make it shiny as the sun, so it can light up all the part of the roads. I put the greeting which is shiny like a bright light, so touching like the lullaby, so green like a newly grown grass, so beautiful like a poem. As i thought i will have a good result and respond of what i have put there as a part of my conscience against the environment, but what i have to face is like a complicated labyrinth which i cannot easily find the way out to my next journey. I re-evaluate myself whether i put the wrong things there, or whether i am doing it for the purpose that is not pure from the heart, i am trying and trying to see every side of myself. Maybe i have already made some misinterpretation of the things that i have put there, even its shiny like a light or even brighter than the sun, but it might create dark side to some parts of the road. In the same time, i realize that i have done something without enough considerations even its a good thing, but with no considerations i guess it will fail, or it will just become the accessories without any meanings.

Of course the mistakes can always happen to every good will, to every pure purposes, to every innocent meaning of things. human being is just the part that has many X-Factors, because of the imperfect matters that it carries on. Sooner or Later it might be used as a part of a life story which is written in the bold fonts, in certain pages of the Book of Life, and the sentences of experiences. When i already got back my conscience that i have already made some abnormal condition against some parts of life itself, i suddenly ask the creator of me, “did i do that for some reasons…???” inside my heart i just can tell that was so pure as a matter of respect, and only God will understand me completely of what i have done. However, if u could see and try to find the horizontal perspectives, it will create many estimations, and depends on how that perspectives will be seen in details, while vertically its just my business between me and God. I was born with many things which are not capable for myself to do with perfect results and responds, but it also doesn’t mean that i never care about all of those mistakes, its already there and done. No such ways to ask apologizes, no certain words are good enough to explain the pure reason why, but at least i did that for good purposes without any doubts inside my heart. So when it happened in the different perspectives and seen as a mistake, the only thing i can do is just pray and ask the help of God, because i have already making it worse, instead of making it better.

God is the only place i can go in the situation like this, in the very confused intersection of life that i should choose which one is the best. At the time when my heart really breaks to see the things that i have done, the only thing i can do is kneel down and mention god’s name thousand times, try to release what i have felt inside me, try to look at myself deeply, try to release my tears which have so many meanings. I am a human, i realize too many mistakes i have done intentionally or unintentionally, i feel too many imperfect matters inside myself, sometimes i also dont know myself……..God, forgive me….

Where Am I …..

Where Am I….Its a simple question, but i consider it as a question with very deep meaning in certain kind of situations. That question often appears whenever things happen in the journey of my life. When i got myself inside the dark sides of myself, i really didnt know the exact position of myself, seemed all the skies were too cloudy, the emotions were blown away like firearms, all the thoughts were not synchronized with the heart anymore. When all the things were messed up, i never known where am i, and who was myself. There were times where i get forced to make myself the right one to believe, without considering what others felt about my words, my actions and my way of giving understandings. Its like the dark sides of myself stacked in my mind and created the big power to make myself ‘arrogant’ in many ways, until i felt ‘it wasnt Me anymore’. I might not be a person who could control myself perfectly in some hard situations, and i really could not see myself there, all the reflections of myself were too dark to see.

Maybe, human beings created to be that way, even not all, im not such a good example. When i was too late to realize how it happened, it was already there, and didnt even tolerate anything. whatever i said, whatever i did, they had the loads to hurt people, even the one that i really love so much. It was like a bad bad attitudes, never care, never listen, and never understand the surroundings, even my own. I dont want to stop myself, evaluating inside out of me, why it happened so many times, why i always hurt ppl, and why i could not be myself to control my mind and my feelings. I have one God to come back, where i can try to talk to, whether God listens to my words or not, but at least i have a place. A place where i can kneel down, bow down put my forehead on the floor, asking apologize of what i have done to myself and to the people, to the one i love. When the words are not too much representing what i wanted to say, i could feel my tears were falling down, like shouted my cries loudly to God and at the same time i talked to myself ‘God, where am i, and why i did such things’ while hoping that much that God will lead me to the right ways.

Probably Me is myself, not really a good person, many weaknesses, many unpolite attitudes and many mistakes that i have done. I really cant understand myself, i hate myself too sometimes. But, when im trying to sit down and think, and then kneel down and ask apologize of what i’ve done, that’s the time i realized that God always there for me, listens to what i wanted to say, what i wanted to shout, what i wanted to be. When i was asking ‘God, Where Am I….’, i felt like the answer already inside myself ‘You are a human being who already been walking to the journey of life so far, try to see and understand that you are not alone, you live together within’ an environment with other human beings. Be yourself and use your mind and your heart to feel what others needed’. At the same time i felt myself so small, so unrespected in front of God, because i never listen, i never care, but i want to change, God please lead the way for me, please show me the path to be a better human being who cares for each other and also the one that i love so much.

In the silent night, i have to think so hard how i can get back to myself, or a reflection of myself which is far from the negative things that i’ve already done. Its like im facing the mirror, and ask how i look like and how i can do better things in the future, although i can’t get any answers there. Millions of reasons always discourage myself to surrender, but i still have one reason why im still here standing and facing the future. I am alone, but i am not really alone, i still have the strength, i still believe in something to lead me to be a better human being who is appropriate of loving someone and get the true love from someone without any doubts, and to do my responsibilities the best i can. I know God always be with me, gives strength to me in many strange ways just to let me get back into the right way, the way of a human being who is ready to follow the path within’ the journey of time and life.

Thank you, God…for listening to me….

Can I……..

I never thought, my morning started with something i’ve never expected before. A whole new thing like a sword that suddenly stabbed my stomach, like a big stone that hit my head and i felt like bleeding, following by arrows that directly shot on target to my heart deeply and then hurt my legs its like i couldnt walk anymore. I felt shivering on both hands and couldnt even hold a paper. When a great dream that already been built for so many years, that i’ve to keep holding on that hard so it wont go anywhere, or vaporized with the air, its about to leave me alone in deep sorrow. I realized and tried to look back at myself, and im not a perfect human being who can always be right in many ways, and im not a human being who can always remember all the things in details without forgotten any of the tiny things i’ve done before. Sometimes when we are trying to tell the truth, it seems so hard to believe, but we should always try to keep that is the truth that we are trying to tell. Maybe, it referred to my past life that i’ve already done so many things that hurt many people, and then it caused things happened this way to me, but it wasnt the real answer. I used to hear too many words like liar, hypocrite, bastard or even worse than that, because i wasnt really a good guy before, i created too many troubles for people. Until i was trying so hard to recover myself from the dark side of my past life to do things that made ppl happy, i was trying to be useful to other people, helping people in one or other ways. In the middle of the way i found someone that i want to love more, i want to be really care of her and i want to settle down my future for her any which way we can, i was really happy, and once in my life i really had a big hope of it, to realize my dream being a real man, a real guy who will get the responsibilities, a real guy who can protect and make her feel safe. Years by years, month by month, week by week, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute and every second we had, it was like building a strong foundation to a better life that we’ve been dreaming all the times. I realized, when a plan couldnt always go as we expect, we passed trough so many circumstances, so many differences, so many arguments, so many unconfidences, so many emotional feelings, so many walls of faith that we should break and so many rough ways that we should walk on. Or maybe God has another plan, a better one. I know, i will never blame each other for the things that i couldnt do well or not properly done, i only point at myself, i was trying so hard to be right on track, i kept holding myself to walk straight on it, im only a human being, there are times i slipped away from the tracks, there are times i already forgot what i’ve done before, my memories have limitations to remember things in details. I can still feel the arrow hit deeply in my heart, makes me so hard to breath, so so hard. I can still feel my head is bleeding, makes me stop thinking properly. But i will never surrender, i dont want to leave all the things that i’ve been doing for so many years just went away. i want to survive until i cant breath anymore. I believe that i still have God inside me, and will help me in many ways even in mysterious ways. Many times im telling myself….never give up……but Can I….

It’s not a Story

It’s not a story….it was just a matter of life evaluations, I was just trying to build a dream for years, a dream that was so far away in the distance. So beautiful and practically changed my mind to create some paths toward that dream. Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, and every second I ran. I passed through many roads uphills and down hills, still creating the pathways, small and complicated. Once and twice, I was trying to get closer to the reality, to remind and recall the pathways that I’ve been made, upon the sweetnesses, down to the sorrows, across the rivers of tears and over the borders of faith and life directions. It was not purposely built above the strong foundation, but started from the simple common minds, easy ways of thinking, and then strengthten by the things called love and hate. Maybe I was so weird, or even crazy that I’ve built something that’s so impossible within so many differences, I have so many oceans to sail, I have so many lands to step by, I have so many borders to trespass but im still walking under the skies of clouds, strong winds and hard rains. No matter how hard I tried, I still want to continue making some pathways towards that dream, a dream that always bother my mind of things that I’ve should done after I realized it, a big responsibilities that I should carry, open hearted lights of life that I should live with, and shields of love that I should use to protect my dream until I die. Sometimes I feel myself that I better surrender in the middle of the way, but im still using it as a support to burn my spirit to reach that dream, the biggest ever in my lifetime. I saw so many weaknesses in me, so many misunderstandings, lots of arguments, tons of debates, millions of emotional feelings, boxes of jealousy and broken hearted feelings, until I make myself sure that I should be ready for all of this, and I should prepare for something worst, prepare to be hurt all of the times in my life. Maybe I was just a human being, I am quite far from the words perfect and good, too many things inside here like two-sided blades that ready to cut every moment of me to remove the grasses and stones for my pathways, never be so easy, never be so smooth, but I need to struggle, whatever the results, whatever the ppl says, whatever the world shouts. I am here for that dream, and I was born to realize that dream, I was created to be the best for myself, God knows everything, and has plans with all of this dream, and me just an ordinary human who will fight for that dream………