Can I……..

I never thought, my morning started with something i’ve never expected before. A whole new thing like a sword that suddenly stabbed my stomach, like a big stone that hit my head and i felt like bleeding, following by arrows that directly shot on target to my heart deeply and then hurt my legs its like i couldnt walk anymore. I felt shivering on both hands and couldnt even hold a paper. When a great dream that already been built for so many years, that i’ve to keep holding on that hard so it wont go anywhere, or vaporized with the air, its about to leave me alone in deep sorrow. I realized and tried to look back at myself, and im not a perfect human being who can always be right in many ways, and im not a human being who can always remember all the things in details without forgotten any of the tiny things i’ve done before. Sometimes when we are trying to tell the truth, it seems so hard to believe, but we should always try to keep that is the truth that we are trying to tell. Maybe, it referred to my past life that i’ve already done so many things that hurt many people, and then it caused things happened this way to me, but it wasnt the real answer. I used to hear too many words like liar, hypocrite, bastard or even worse than that, because i wasnt really a good guy before, i created too many troubles for people. Until i was trying so hard to recover myself from the dark side of my past life to do things that made ppl happy, i was trying to be useful to other people, helping people in one or other ways. In the middle of the way i found someone that i want to love more, i want to be really care of her and i want to settle down my future for her any which way we can, i was really happy, and once in my life i really had a big hope of it, to realize my dream being a real man, a real guy who will get the responsibilities, a real guy who can protect and make her feel safe. Years by years, month by month, week by week, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute and every second we had, it was like building a strong foundation to a better life that we’ve been dreaming all the times. I realized, when a plan couldnt always go as we expect, we passed trough so many circumstances, so many differences, so many arguments, so many unconfidences, so many emotional feelings, so many walls of faith that we should break and so many rough ways that we should walk on. Or maybe God has another plan, a better one. I know, i will never blame each other for the things that i couldnt do well or not properly done, i only point at myself, i was trying so hard to be right on track, i kept holding myself to walk straight on it, im only a human being, there are times i slipped away from the tracks, there are times i already forgot what i’ve done before, my memories have limitations to remember things in details. I can still feel the arrow hit deeply in my heart, makes me so hard to breath, so so hard. I can still feel my head is bleeding, makes me stop thinking properly. But i will never surrender, i dont want to leave all the things that i’ve been doing for so many years just went away. i want to survive until i cant breath anymore. I believe that i still have God inside me, and will help me in many ways even in mysterious ways. Many times im telling myself….never give up……but Can I….

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