Where Am I….Its a simple question, but i consider it as a question with very deep meaning in certain kind of situations. That question often appears whenever things happen in the journey of my life. When i got myself inside the dark sides of myself, i really didnt know the exact position of myself, seemed all the skies were too cloudy, the emotions were blown away like firearms, all the thoughts were not synchronized with the heart anymore. When all the things were messed up, i never known where am i, and who was myself. There were times where i get forced to make myself the right one to believe, without considering what others felt about my words, my actions and my way of giving understandings. Its like the dark sides of myself stacked in my mind and created the big power to make myself ‘arrogant’ in many ways, until i felt ‘it wasnt Me anymore’. I might not be a person who could control myself perfectly in some hard situations, and i really could not see myself there, all the reflections of myself were too dark to see.
Maybe, human beings created to be that way, even not all, im not such a good example. When i was too late to realize how it happened, it was already there, and didnt even tolerate anything. whatever i said, whatever i did, they had the loads to hurt people, even the one that i really love so much. It was like a bad bad attitudes, never care, never listen, and never understand the surroundings, even my own. I dont want to stop myself, evaluating inside out of me, why it happened so many times, why i always hurt ppl, and why i could not be myself to control my mind and my feelings. I have one God to come back, where i can try to talk to, whether God listens to my words or not, but at least i have a place. A place where i can kneel down, bow down put my forehead on the floor, asking apologize of what i have done to myself and to the people, to the one i love. When the words are not too much representing what i wanted to say, i could feel my tears were falling down, like shouted my cries loudly to God and at the same time i talked to myself ‘God, where am i, and why i did such things’ while hoping that much that God will lead me to the right ways.
Probably Me is myself, not really a good person, many weaknesses, many unpolite attitudes and many mistakes that i have done. I really cant understand myself, i hate myself too sometimes. But, when im trying to sit down and think, and then kneel down and ask apologize of what i’ve done, that’s the time i realized that God always there for me, listens to what i wanted to say, what i wanted to shout, what i wanted to be. When i was asking ‘God, Where Am I….’, i felt like the answer already inside myself ‘You are a human being who already been walking to the journey of life so far, try to see and understand that you are not alone, you live together within’ an environment with other human beings. Be yourself and use your mind and your heart to feel what others needed’. At the same time i felt myself so small, so unrespected in front of God, because i never listen, i never care, but i want to change, God please lead the way for me, please show me the path to be a better human being who cares for each other and also the one that i love so much.
In the silent night, i have to think so hard how i can get back to myself, or a reflection of myself which is far from the negative things that i’ve already done. Its like im facing the mirror, and ask how i look like and how i can do better things in the future, although i can’t get any answers there. Millions of reasons always discourage myself to surrender, but i still have one reason why im still here standing and facing the future. I am alone, but i am not really alone, i still have the strength, i still believe in something to lead me to be a better human being who is appropriate of loving someone and get the true love from someone without any doubts, and to do my responsibilities the best i can. I know God always be with me, gives strength to me in many strange ways just to let me get back into the right way, the way of a human being who is ready to follow the path within’ the journey of time and life.
Thank you, God…for listening to me….