I Really Dont Know Me…..

When the life is passing by as the old days, creeping around through night and days, everything seems alright as i have seen before. I’m trying to walk these feet, following the roads, watching things around without any doubts of what will i face in the incoming phase. Now i am heading towards the green roads, full of trees, lights and so bright as the blessings of God. The confidence is still here inside myself that i will not create any troubles in my journey. In the day of lights where the trees are blinking in every part of the roads, i want to put something to make it brighter to make it shiny as the sun, so it can light up all the part of the roads. I put the greeting which is shiny like a bright light, so touching like the lullaby, so green like a newly grown grass, so beautiful like a poem. As i thought i will have a good result and respond of what i have put there as a part of my conscience against the environment, but what i have to face is like a complicated labyrinth which i cannot easily find the way out to my next journey. I re-evaluate myself whether i put the wrong things there, or whether i am doing it for the purpose that is not pure from the heart, i am trying and trying to see every side of myself. Maybe i have already made some misinterpretation of the things that i have put there, even its shiny like a light or even brighter than the sun, but it might create dark side to some parts of the road. In the same time, i realize that i have done something without enough considerations even its a good thing, but with no considerations i guess it will fail, or it will just become the accessories without any meanings.

Of course the mistakes can always happen to every good will, to every pure purposes, to every innocent meaning of things. human being is just the part that has many X-Factors, because of the imperfect matters that it carries on. Sooner or Later it might be used as a part of a life story which is written in the bold fonts, in certain pages of the Book of Life, and the sentences of experiences. When i already got back my conscience that i have already made some abnormal condition against some parts of life itself, i suddenly ask the creator of me, “did i do that for some reasons…???” inside my heart i just can tell that was so pure as a matter of respect, and only God will understand me completely of what i have done. However, if u could see and try to find the horizontal perspectives, it will create many estimations, and depends on how that perspectives will be seen in details, while vertically its just my business between me and God. I was born with many things which are not capable for myself to do with perfect results and responds, but it also doesn’t mean that i never care about all of those mistakes, its already there and done. No such ways to ask apologizes, no certain words are good enough to explain the pure reason why, but at least i did that for good purposes without any doubts inside my heart. So when it happened in the different perspectives and seen as a mistake, the only thing i can do is just pray and ask the help of God, because i have already making it worse, instead of making it better.

God is the only place i can go in the situation like this, in the very confused intersection of life that i should choose which one is the best. At the time when my heart really breaks to see the things that i have done, the only thing i can do is kneel down and mention god’s name thousand times, try to release what i have felt inside me, try to look at myself deeply, try to release my tears which have so many meanings. I am a human, i realize too many mistakes i have done intentionally or unintentionally, i feel too many imperfect matters inside myself, sometimes i also dont know myself……..God, forgive me….


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