In a day when the pouring rain spreads and makes the earth wet, i see myself sitting down on my bed, thinking so hard about so many things, finding so many reasons why, exploring deep down inside my brain, and digging out deep in my heart about all the meanings of some sides of a life. What has built me to be a person right now is some sides of a life itself. When i am in the situation where all the life experiences can be used as a reference, sometimes i cannot find anything there, just myself who feels so confused to find the answers. A feeling of needing, loving and caring sometimes don’t help too much in the proper condition or is it really not enough to use against the pressure of life. At the time, when i am struggling to fight against myself, my feelings, my ways of loving is another side of the story of life. Of course, a feeling of love will not be easily represented as a feeling itself for others to understand, or sometimes some actions also mislead to wrong ways of interpretation. However, the feeling of love i have inside is really true, at least that’s the way to believe myself, or i need to learn more about representing and translating this feeling into such an action. Everybody was born with the different kind of touch which is representing the way of showing love, care and respect. I was born with that kind of touch, where i can express myself to love, care and appreciate someone with all that i have, all that i need to do. But sometimes its really not enough to represent those expression to someone. Some refers to the differences of the characteristics and personalities, and some refers to the habits and cultures or many other factors.
When i see myself, trying to all the things, trying to fix what i have done wrong, trying to change myself into the respectable personality, its like too many failures i have made. The feelings of love from me sometimes face the show of realities, when all the failures are like being played in the big screen, exposing my evil sides, the sides that i really drop myself into a deep river of irresponsible things. I know it will always follow me all the ways in my journey of life. All that things always creates mess up inside my mind, creates so deep confusions, and blocks my brain to think clearly, and covers up my heart to feel the reality. Or maybe i am really being an evil to run this life without any chances to get better, i also don’t know. Life designed to look different and creates many interpretations within lots of perspectives. There are so many times, i don’t feel that i am doing something that will hurt someone, but the reality shows different way. I believe, everyone will do best things to prepare for something, either its for their love or their life. The only question is ‘Are they doing enough ??’.
Something that we have done for love and life sometimes are not enough to represent who we are, because too many perspectives have been formed against what we have done. when someone looks at our bad perspectives, all that can be seen is evil and evil, and at the same time we will be put in the perspectives as the evil ones, even we have really strong determinations and will to be better. I never blame people or someone to look myself that way. I only want them to understand that i want to change and i want to be better in love and life. At the same time, jealousy that I have created will be used as the reference to force me down, to give me a big and hard pressure without any moments to explain why. I never want someone to understand me completely with the details, but what i have done is the spirit of me to change, to learn and to create better personality. In fact, nobody will see what i have inside my heart, nobody will understand and nobody will care, and maybe nobody will help me. When love, that supported with respect, appreciation and positive understandings are not enough, so let people or someone sees me that way, and maybe thats the only way for them to see the differences between good and evil. And maybe that’s the only way for me to defend myself of what i have made for changes, maybe i will defend it until i die and burry myself with tons of bad things, tons of jealousy and tons of untrusted matters and words.
So far away there, in a distance, where the thousands of stars sleep, when the numbers of galaxies go round and when the sun reaches its dark side, I still have hopes and dreams, and keep cover up my beliefs, God never sleep, and is the only one that i can talk about how and what i feel inside my heart, even sometimes God is like not listening to me. The only thing left on me, is the faith, and the dreams and the hopes which i only can tell God, because human being seems too hard to understand why, because they have seen my evil sides without giving me any comforts and helps. Maybe i am a stupid guy to do things that loved by someone, but i hope God will understand me, that’s the way i express myself, kneel down and talk to God as God is only several centimeters from me. God, lead me to a good love and life……